Nine Incredible Valentine’s Gifts you can buy on Amazon

12 Feb

Men, you know the drill: every year you have to search your brain for another valentine’s gift – one that is useful, thoughtful, and not too expensive. Preferably, it should also be something you can order online, since actually hitting the mall just drives you crazy.

Listed below are actual gifts you can order from for your wonderful wife.  I have tried hard to be creative in making this list.  This is for two reasons.  First, your wife knows that lingerie is really a gift to yourself and is tired of the candy and flowers.  Secondly, chances are good (REAL good) that you did not give her one of these gifts last year; this is important, because even if you don’t remember, she will.

With that in mind, here is my helpful resource to make her smile on that special day!

(by the way, if you click on the links to the Amazon pages, be sure to check out the comments on these)


Ninja Grappling Hook Every woman needs a hobby, preferably one that gets her out of the house for a while.  Why not encourage her nascent ninja-skillz with this baby?   Be sure to point out that it is  test rated for over 800 pounds.  You could also combine this gift with the Ninja Wrist Band & Death Spikes if you really want to go for “Husband of the Year”.


Squirrel Underpants Few things in life are more annoying than looking out your front window to see squirrels cavorting nekked as they day they were born! Well, no more! You can protect the innocent eyes of your wife and children with genuine whitey-tighties for the bushy-tailed folk.   Also available for female squirrels (though I’m not sure how to tell the difference).


A Quart of Wolf Urine. Lets face it: the quality of the wolf urine available at Walmart is a bit sketchy.  And milking the wolves yourself is so cumbersome. Your mate will love have  a quart of the genuine, top-shelf stuff all to herself. Not only delicious, this product acts as a “lure”, drawing any nearby wolves who might catch its scent.  Tired of the dog, cat, or neighborhood children?  Now you have nature’s answer.


Tank! What woman doesn’t want to not only keep up with-the Jones and their hulking suv, but completely obliterate them?  Her dream is your reality with this baby!  The seller promises to contact you soon after you place the order, so you can customize weaponry, armor, and stereo options.  Don’t let her leave home without it!


Farting Piggy Bank Let’s face it, guys.  Getting the wifey to save money instead of spending it can be a dicey proposition.  That’s why we need the Farting Piggy Bank.  Women just LOVE flatulence humor, and she won’t be able to resist popping the quarter between the cheeks to hear the bank rip one off.  In fact, she’ll probably save her change all week (instead of wasting it at Starbucks) just so she can have her friends over Friday night for a rip-roaring party.


One Pound of Replicated Fat.  Okay, so the old girl has put on a little weight.  And, despite the fact that a few extra pounds look good on you, you wouldn’t mind if she lost a bit.  But how to tell her? There is no better way than giving her an almost exactly replica of what a pound of her fat actually looks like.  What a motivator!  Better yet, you could buy one of these for every pound she is overweight, and line them up on the kitchen counter (and remove them as she sheds the weight).  Believe me, she will thank you for this one.


Woman With PMS” Police Tape Her admiration of  your thoughtfulness and taste will no know bounds when she opens this one up.  Now she can mark off her own “Do Not Disturb” area anywhere in the house.  Better yet, you can mark off whatever room she’s in whenever she gets crabby.


Uranium Ore Men, do you want your wife buying her radioactive metals from some wacko Libyans in the mall parking lot?  Do ya???  I didn’t think so.  Instead, pick it up right from Amazon, and soon she will be glowing with gratitude.


And, since it’s Amazon, we must end with a book:

Birth Control is Sinful in the Christian Marriages and also Robbing God of Priesthood Children!! [Paperback]

Don’t let an ungrammatical title in all caps stop you from purchasing this pearl of wisdom for your wife.  It will remind her of what her true purpose in life is: creating as many priesthood-children as physically possible.

1 Comment

Posted in Humor



Leave a Reply


  1. JoelG

    02/13/2014 at 6:15 pm

    Great ideas! These will surely increase the romance in the Christian Marriages. The piggy bank looks like a blast.

Random thoughts on life, the universe and everything